[♪]
♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, limousines ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me ♪
♪ Now I'm stuck in hell suburbia ♪
♪ Never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and car pools make me scream ♪
♪ (screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough ♪
♪ But I've got to ma-ma- Mother Up! ♪
Dr. Drew's right about everything
except drinking in moderation.
Married couples need to keep the romance alive.
That's why my husband and I
are preferred members of Motel 6.
I agree.
My husband and I get out
for dinner and a movie whenever we can...
Oh, I'm sorry, Rudi.
We shouldn't talk about husbands in front of you.
Because hers left her, right?
Uh, two things -
You don't understand how whispering works,
and me separating from my loser ex was mutual.
What was the first thing she said again?
Burgers are almost ready!
Hey, nice work, Joel-anator.
But remember,
the inuit believe that cooking with fire is -
[screaming]
Lots of great salads on the table, everybody.
Dig in! [nervous laugh]
I'm going to get another drink.
There it is, Fergus. Right there!
Try this.
[spits] What the hell?!
Terrible, right? It's sake and pancake mix.
I call it a "Japanese breakfast".
You're an idiot.
Everyone knows a Japanese breakfast
is hot cereal served by a 14 year old girl
who's ashamed of her body.
All the greats got their own signature drink.
You gotta help me find mine.
You know I don't actually
work for your record label anymore?
Shh! My mind-vagina is birthing an idea.
Hey Greg! I need some mustard and scotch.
Rudi, right?
Don't meet too many chicks called Rudi.
It's exotic, like hummus.
You ever put that stuff in your mouth?
Stop.
I would rather die of ass cancer than be anywhere with you.
Uh-huh.
So you're single right?
[laughs]
Oh my God, are you serious? Go away!
Frank, what are you doing?
Nothing! I was just being nice to the new lady.
She took it the wrong way.
You know I got the curse!
Women are drawn to me.
Not women in my league.
He was hitting on me.
And in some parts of the world, they'd kill him for that.
I wish we lived there.
Honey, that's a lie.
You're all the woman I need.
Keep your hands off my husband.
That is my life-long plan.
You're not fooling anyone.
You can't handle being alone,
so you're trying to get your claws
into another woman's husband.
Look head-on-a-saggy-stick -
you can keep man-three from the evolution chart because...
I already have a new boyfriend.
Really?! Is he here?
Um...
He's away on business...
He's a pilot, humanitarian...
and model... Also modelling...
Something that he does.
We like the same things and really work together as a team.
He's so giving of himself that even I'm sometimes humbled.
I mean, I've always been known as a humanitarian,
but he's helped me define
what giving of yourself truly means...
And speaking of giving,
well, let's just say he knows his way around the bedroom,
if you know what I mean.
For those of you that don't - looking at you Megan -
it means he's great at sex.
Oh my gosh, he just sounds perfect.
Of course. Why would I settle for less?
Much, much less?
I failed my math test, Mom,
and my teacher says I need to be assigned a student helper.
Don't you know any of this stuff, Dick?
I think that's a fraction
and I'm pretty sure the page is a triangle.
[sighs]
That's still the same stick, Fergus.
Go get your stuff, kids. Sarah's waiting.
Thanks for driving the kids, Sarah.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
I'm just so, so busy right now.
Oh, it's okay...
So, what's his name?
Who? Your new boyfriend.
Oh! Oh...
Him... Is named Bjorn.
Swedish?
On his mother's side.
His dad was Greek,
so he's got this whole piercing blue eyes,
olive skin, blond hair thing going.
I can see why he's a model.
Yeah.
Mostly underwear, but some runway.
So have you two, you know... [goofy sex noises]
gone to fourth base? [embarrassed giggle]
We were going to,
but his car broke down on the way home from the sock hop.
I just heard it on TV.
I was trying to be cool.
Rudi, your life sounds amazing.
Well that's because it is...
And it's going to get better...
this weekend,
because we're going away together.
My life is like a Hugh Grant movie,
except Bjorn's masculine and doesn't smell like hookers.
Who's going to look after the kids?
That'd be great. Thanks.
Sleep over at Sarah's this weekend, kids!
Have a good day.
A weekend away would be kind of nice.
Drink this.
[spits]
Why do I keep falling for that?
It's chocolate milk and wine.
I call it "Moo-leau".
I had high hopes for that one.
You know what you should try next?
Freeze vodka in the shape of bullets
and shoot one into the back of your mouth
with a really big gun.
Uhm-hm.
I know that tone.
You got that special lady kind of frustration building up.
Don't you worry about it.
Let 2Bit make some calls.
I'll get you straightened out.
What the hell are you talking about?
You know what? Forget it.
Your befuddled progeny is hindering
my school's academic standards,
and that affects our funding.
As such, Dick shall be assigned a tutor student
until his grades reach a more suitable standard.
You know there's a simpler way
to say everything you say?
I assume by "simpler",
you mean "more simple".
You may enter.
My daughter is here to help the stupid child.
Well don't say it right in front of him.
He's dumb, not deaf!
That's why the answer has to be seven.
You are so smart.
How did you get to be that smart and pretty?
What? Nothing.
I want a snack. You want a snack?
What if your mom sees you?
There's an 80% chance she'll remember who I am.
Hey, I used a number!
Let's go.
But it's the homework phase of the day,
and we've only been working for an hour.
We have four more hours to go
or we'll be failures and get sent to an orphanage.
Okay.
If I'm not getting any action, I'll be damned if you are.
That's enough homework for one day.
Go outside and play for awhile.
Don't become nerds, nobody likes them.
We can do that?
After school sun...
It's so beautiful!
Dick and Apple are in the backyard, Fergus.
Thanks again for looking after the kids, Sarah.
That's okay. I know you'd do the same for me.
Maybe, but chances are we'll never know.
So what are you going to do?
Oh. Well, ah...
Bjorn booked a super-romantic boutique hotel.
Five-star restaurant.
Probably spend our days hiking along the waterfront,
talking, getting to know each other better -
or we might just spend the weekend in bed
and order room service.
Ah! It sounds just like a Hollywood movie.
That's me - all glamour all the time.
Oh, I forgot to tell the kids to pack.
And can you also lock up? I'd do it myself,
but I'm going to be late for our dinner reservations.
Well, no one I know will ever see me here.
Tell me everything. Tell me, tell me, tell me!
Look, you want to know the truth?
It was everything I hoped for and more.
I only wish every woman could experience what I did.
But let's face it -
there are very, very few men like Bjorn,
and it takes a special kind of woman to attract men like that.
So no one blames any of you for settling.
My daughter came home from your house
with colour in her cheeks.
What did you do to her?
Hey, back off, Patton.
I barely do things for my own kids.
I sure as hell didn't do anything for yours.
They did homework,
talked, went outside.
Ate things.
Kids stuff!
Socializing? Eating? Playing?
No wonder your kid is failing.
Don't you ever think about what Dick will be in the future?
Out of the house?
[gasp] Ooo! That's probably Bjorn -
my boyfriend, the model...
Hello...
There's no way in hell I'm putting that in my mouth.
I call it a sleepy German
because it's beer mixed with Ambien.
Please tell me you didn't call just for this.
Nah baby, I'm here to solve your lady problem -
but I need some information.
I don't have a lady problem.
You can't lie to me, Rudi.
I can read women like a colouring book.
Now, I'm gonna need your dress size,
a copy of your latest physical,
and a list of the favourite foods to put in your mouth,
ranked by size, then taste...
Goodbye. And don't call back!
Oh. That wasn't him.
Bjorn and I are as solid as a rock.
In fact, more solid than a rock.
Rocks are spongy compared to our relationship.
We're going away - again - this weekend.
Bjorn's getting another award for his work with orphans...
And clean water poverty things.
You got everything right, Dick!
Way to go!
Are you guys still doing homework?
Go outside! Be kids! Have fun!
Hello, mother.
Hi, Mrs. Chu.
They were just going to go outside and play.
Please Mom?
You may walk briskly to the far end of the yard
and back once.
Hmm... Seems like Agnes likes Dick.
That is unacceptable.
Agnes isn't scheduled for interaction with boys
for another seven and one quarter years.
Oh, relax. It won't last.
Every guy goes through an Asian phase.
Dick just started early.
You got everything right, Dick! Way to go!
Hey Rudi, have you seen Joel or my chain saw?
I can't find either of them.
He took off on his bike with it a while back.
Oh well.
Boys and their adventures, right?
Probably pretending to be a cowboy or an astronaut -
"I'm a cowboy-astronaut
and I'm going to cut down some space trees!"
[nervous giggle]
Any chance you could drive me around a little
and help me look for him?
I'd do it myself,
but that little Dickens hid my car keys again.
Oh, I can't.
I'm going out of town for the weekend with my boyfriend,
and he's kind of a jealous type of guy.
So maybe we shouldn't be seen together in my car...
ANNOUNCER: Next on "Real Cat Ladies"...
CAT LADY: Man-schman - I got 11 cats!
Are you okay?
Of course. Men come and go.
He was great and all, but I need my freedom.
So how'd Bjorn take it?
He was crazy upset - but he was losing me,
so I imagine that would be hard.
I failed my test, Mom.
I thought your kid was supposed to be smart.
What's she been teaching him?
She is!
If we study together more, I promise I'll do better!
My daughter is smart but she is failing at tutoring.
I will take away her playtime until she improves.
I suggest you do the same to Dick.
I'm going to go study.
I probably shouldn't say anything,
but they broke up.
Well, long distance relationships
are a bit like my uncles -
it's hard to make them work.
Bjorn seemed a bit possessive anyway,
so maybe it's for the best.
Oh, I'm sure he was nice,
otherwise Rudi wouldn't have dated him in the first place.
You know how it is -
when you first start seeing someone new,
it's all you think about.
[slight giggle]
My Joel's like that.
There's a really cute girl at the mall he likes,
but he's afraid to talk to her.
So he just spends hours and hours
watching her from a distance.
He is turning into quite the little photographer.
Have a good day, guys.
Text me if you can't find Sarah or Greg to drive you home...
But text them first.
Hey Rudi, where you at?
This is for you. You're welcome.
You sound like crap.
I had a few too many Puerto Rican blood fizzes last night.
And yeah, they taste as bad as they sound.
What's in the box?
You were sending out a lonely vibe.
Your scent told me you were missing a man in your life,
so I had the chief of my erotic things department
make it for you.
Check it out.
Not interested.
Not so fast! This is the future of sex toys.
Fully animatronic
and it has drone technology -
Same thing heat seeking missiles use.
You get hot, it'll find you -
like me in a club.
I am not going to have sex with a doll.
Ah, don't make it sound all dirty and wrong.
It's called making sweet, sweet man-woman stink.
Oh, and I didn't have time to audition actors,
so I just used my own voice.
AI'ght. See ya!
Ow! Son of a bitch!
Mmm... That's nice.
Do you like the way I make you feel, Rudi?
No! Of course not! Now piss off!
Tell me what you like, baby.
We got all night for me to take care of business.
Gross!
ROBOT: Do you like how I make you feel?
Is this as good for you as it is for me?
2Bit, it's Rudi.
If you get this message,
please call back so we can set up a time and place
for me to kill you.
ROBOT: Is this as good for you as it is for me?
Tell me what you like.
I am here to please you.
[gasp] Of course...
ROBOT: Do you like this?
Does that feel good?
Do you want me to go faster?
Rudi, I enjoy your game of playing hard to get.
I am stiffer than a Keanu Reeves monologue.
You failed the test on purpose, didn't you?
No! I'm dumb. Really!
I'm the stupidest kid you know...
So, do you want to play for awhile?
She can't.
I found an extra hour in her weekly schedule
and signed her up for a course on "how to be a tutor".
My mom doesn't like it when I'm not good at things.
No, you don't like it when you're not good at things!
How many times do I have to tell you how you feel?
Hi, Sarah.
Mom told us to find the least strange adult in the crowd
and ask them for a ride home.
Sure.
You never let me express myself!
Greg, can I talk to you?
Words build bridges between ideas, so of course!
Hey, Joel buddy,
be a pal and look after the kids for a little while.
Maybe go inside and play a game.
Maybe it's the TV.
Something's not right.
Well...
If Joel's bedroom door has taught me anything,
there's not much you can do when it's locked,
unless you want to get hit in the face with an ashtray.
That's a good lesson for all aspects of life -
not just parenting.
She hasn't been acting like herself lately,
and she told me that she broke up with her new boyfriend
and he was really upset.
She did tell me he was the jealous type...
We hardly ever see her anymore.
She keeps cancelling things and...
[rudi screaming in distance]
Not on my watch!
[grunting with effort]
I have a key.
Rudi gave it to me so I could wake up her kids
on school days if she sleeps in.
No. No time!
It's right here.
[grunting with effort]
Rudi?
Kind of busy, Greg.
ROBOT: Come here, Rudi.
Leave her alone, you meatball-lovin' bastard!
Come here. I will pleasure you.
Huh? Wha?
[scream]
Do you like this?
Do you like how I make you feel?
What can I do? What can I do?
I need you to help me hide a body.
I don't know.
Well, think about it. You have time.
I have to find 2Bit first before I kill him.
Ooh, ah, whoa!
It's all clear.
He took off out the back door,
but I don't think you'll ever see him again.
So... You didn't get a good look at him?
Just that he was real? A real person?
Yeah, and you are better off without him.
Oh, that guy fights dirty...
Real dirty.
I'm just going to go grab a shower for a few hours
and, uh, maybe cry a little.
Greg?
Thanks, that was really brave.
Psst...
Today's the big day where we prove how smart my Agnes is.
I'll believe it when Dick shows me his test.
How'd you do, Dick?
I passed.
No, you didn't!
Come on. Let's go tell our moms!
Mom! Mom!
I failed my test!
Agnes! You are a failure.
I know!
Bjorn, now that the kids have moved out 13 years ago,
I was thinking...
You, me, some candles...
I'm kinda into this show...
Really?! Oh, here we go!
It's always something.
No, it's always one thing.
You're an emotionless bastard who comes home from work
and parks his ass in front of the TV.
You married a Swedish robot.
What the hell did you expect?
You know what? We're over.
Get out! Fine.
Now!
[bleep] my life.